Recently in single life Category

I started this post on Wednesday but I didn't get to finish it until today. Sorry for the delay!

For the next few Weigh-in Wednesdays I'll be doing a book study of Hallie Lord's Style, Sex, and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter .

Previous posts:

Chapter 1 - How I Fell Out of My Minivan and Found Myself by Jen Fulwiler's.

Chapter 2 - "Style: Balance, Beauty and You" by Hallie Lord

Chapter 3 - "God and Godiva" by Karen Edmisten

Since this chapter was about sex I am splitting it up in two sections. The first will be geared towards sex and the single female. Next week I'll discuss the second half of the chapter which is geared towards sex and the married woman.

The Single Life - In some ways, my single life seems ages and ages ago. In other ways, I an still remember the struggles of being single and trying to live a chaste life. I grew up in a sheltered life and pretty much stayed out of trouble in grade school and high school. I went to Catholic schools and homeschooled a couple years in high school. However, in my early 20's I drifted away from the church and God.

I still attended Mass to keep my parents appeased, but I was not living the Catholic faith spiritually or morally. Like many others, I wrongly believed that as long as I wasn't actually having intercourse I could do anything else and still be considered a virgin. Eventually this kind of life was destroying me interiorly. I hated myself and the double life I was leading. Yet, I was weary of "turning over a new leaf" because I knew that eventually I'd fall back into my old sinful ways. By the grace of God, my heart was changed and I gave my life back to Christ and repented of my sins. Jesus was able to restore my life and show me a love I had never really experienced before.

Elizabeth sums up my feelings when she says:

"Once I developed a relationship with Christ, I was amazed by the inherent dignity and worth I found in his true love. Christ listens to our arguments, but doesn't fight back. He doesn't lie, pressure, or humiliate us. Having a relationship with him doesn't require any compromise with virtue. If there is a way to live chastely as a single woman -- and there is -- it's through him."

The Effect of Sin - "When I did turn my life around and came back to God I broke away from the people and places that led me to sin but the damage was already done. I struggled for a long, long time with being chaste and not falling into sin again."

Elizabeth felt the same way:

"And yet, I still struggled with chastity. I knew sex before marriage was wrong, but I didn't know what was considered appropriate physical contact. Many of us grew up thinking that anything goes, as long as you don't have sex. But if anything goes, sex often follows. 'How far is too far?'"

Elizabeth gave some great advice about setting boundaries while you are dating. I, too, had to eventually work through this and relearn what sex and chastity were all about. A few years back I wrote two articles for our website in regards to chastity. I reread them today and I still feel the same way so I posted them to the blog.

Chastity Part I - Living Chastely and Loving It (This was a synopsis of living chastely, no matter what your vocation of season in life.)

Chastity Part II: What If the Spirit Is Willing But the Flesh Is Weak? (This is practical advice that helped me with my struggles to be chaste.)

When You Find "The One" - I remember after my engagement, my mom talked with me and told me that now that we were engaged the temptation for Brian and me to be more intimate will be even stronger. I didn't believe it would be any worse than it already was but later I found out, she was right! We made mistakes but thankfully, by the grace of God, (and I think my mom's prayers!) we were able to wait to fully share our love on our honeymoon.

Elizabeth was able to do the same:

"We met for Mass after work. In the evenings, if the smooching got too hot and heavy, we'd stop to say the Rosary. Anything beyond kissing was a danger zone for us. We put a strategic plan in place to help us avoid sex before our wedding. Both of us had a gut feeling that God had chosen us, one for the other, and we wanted to honor his plan by staying faithful to his teaching.

Dating chastely, we were free to be at ease, to play, to be companions rather than lovers. We went for walks, made dinners, and hung out with our families. Our engagement was one of the happiest years of my life, and with the help of the sacraments our wedding night was the first time we were together."

What If We Already Crossed the Line - I remember getting an email one time from a girl who was engaged to be married but she and her fiancé were already sexually active. They came to realize that they were wrong and they wanted to stop but were having a hard time. I emailed her some advice and she gave me permission to post the email online (without her real name.) In it you'll find advice that I think would be beneficial for those who have fallen and those who want to prevent falling. Here's the ink.

RoL Q&A: I'm Engaged and Really Struggling with Chastity...

Suffering from Past Sexual Abuse - Although this topic wasn't mentioned in Elizabeth's chapter, it has been on my mind and it seems appropriate to mention it here. For those girls and women who have suffered sexual abuse the road to true sexual freedom is much more difficult. I have never suffered such a heavy cross myself but someone close to me has and I have seen the damage it had on her physical, mental and spiritual well being. However, I have also seen the amazing power of God's grace and healing in her life. Our Lord helped my friend out of the pit of darkness and despair and healed her heart so she could love purely once again. There is nothing too dark that the blood of Jesus cannot heal. It won't be easy but it is certainly possible to feel whole once again.

There is a new book out by Dawn Eden and although I have not read it yet I have heard excellent reviews. It is called My Peace I Give You: Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints and in it she shows how the lives of the saints have given her hope and aided her journey of spiritual healing after childhood sexual abuse.

You can also read Jennifer Fulwiler's recent interview with Dawn Eden. I posted it here.

That's all for now but feel free to post your comments or email me at rol@revolutionoflove.com.

Last month the National Catholic Register had a wonderful interview with Dawn Eden. It deeply touched my heart because although I have never suffered that kind of abuse someone very close to me did. She confided in me and I witnessed first hand her despair transform into God's healing power. Since then my heart has a special place for others who have suffered such abuse. This is such an important topic instead of just giving the link I am reposting the interview here.

National Catholic Register: Dawn Eden Discusses Healing From Sexual Abuse in New Book by Jennifer Fulwiler.

Most Catholics are already familiar with the name Dawn Eden, the rock-journalist-turned-devout-Catholic who made a splash with her bestselling book The Thrill of the Chaste. Eden has gone on to be a highly sought-after speaker and writer, especially on the subjects of chastity and human sexuality. Eden holds a master's degree in theology and currently lives in Washington, where she's studying toward a doctorate.

Her new book, My Peace I Give You, delves into the subject of childhood sexual abuse. She recently spoke with Jennifer Fulwiler about woundedness, healing and -- for the first time publicly -- her personal experience with this subject.

Your last book, The Thrill of the Chaste, was also on the subject of sexuality. How did My Peace I Give You develop from that one?

With The Thrill of the Chaste, I went public about my experience of conversion of life -- receiving Christian faith and, with it, the desire to forgo a worldly lifestyle in favor of practicing chastity. I wanted readers to see that the virtue of chastity is intrinsically connected with life in Christ and that life in Christ is always joyful. So, although the book was marketed as a kind of "how to" on waiting until marriage, I actually saw chastity as a kind of hook to help people discover Christian joy.

Once I started speaking about The Thrill of the Chaste, people started coming to me with their problems and asking for my advice. I noticed that those who were in the most agony as they tried to live out Church teachings on chastity were very often people who had suffered abuse, particularly childhood sexual abuse.

Why do you think that is? What is it about being a victim of abuse that could lead to difficulty with chastity and other aspects of having a healthy relationship with sexuality?

I think that people who were sinned against sexually are much more conscious of lustful thoughts -- by which I don't mean simple feelings of attraction, which are not sinful in themselves, but lustful fantasies and the like -- because they knew where those thoughts lead. They know what it's like to have someone see them as an object of use. They understand that their abuse didn't begin with the abuser's physical sin against them, but earlier, when the abuser began to conceive of them as an object for his or her own pleasure.

Is childhood sexual abuse an issue with which you have personal experience?

Yes. After I entered into full communion with the Catholic Church in 2006, a part of the spiritual growth process for me was coming to terms with my experience of childhood sexual abuse. When writing The Thrill of the Chaste, I consciously knew that I had had those experiences -- they were not repressed memories -- but I had not "written" them in my mind as abuse.

It's a very common experience of abuse victims, particularly those who experienced childhood sexual abuse, to fail to mentally categorize what was done to them as "abuse." For various reasons that I go into in My Peace I Give You, children tend to blame themselves for what was done to them, as a psychological safety mechanism at the time of abuse.

Did these experiences of abuse create obstacles for your ability to find and come to know God?

Yes, I would say that the abuse that I underwent in childhood really made it extraordinarily difficult for me to discover the love of God.

Each of us has an individual identity given to us by God, our Father. Ordinarily, the child first discovers his identity by being beloved by his own parents. Then, having learned what a father is, what a mother is, and what it is to be loved and protected and sustained by his parents, the child learns there is a Father in heaven who loves him. Though the child's identity is not created by his father and mother, he discovers his identity as a child of God through them. Without the love and protection of a stable family, it becomes very hard -- not at all impossible, but very hard -- to find your identity as a beloved child of God.

To be clear, I am not saying I was an utterly unloved child. But protection is part of love, and I was not protected as I should have been.

How did your conversion change that?

Partly through the help of a Catholic therapist, but largely thanks to going deeper into the Catholic spiritual life, with the help of confessors and a spiritual director, I started to confront the effects of abuse within myself and bring all those experiences to Christ.

One thing that came out of that was the need to be able to locate my own experiences within the experiences of the Church.

I didn't want to feel as if the things I had suffered were completely outside God's providence. Because I'm now a member of the mystical body of Christ, everything I've suffered is also part of the sufferings of the body of Christ.

God didn't positively will the evil that was done to me, but he permitted me to suffer it -- for the same reason he permits any evil: because he could bring from it a greater good. I realized I couldn't change the past -- not even God can do that. But I could find meaning in my past sufferings now that my life had become "hidden with Christ in God," as St. Paul says. The lives of the saints were tremendously helpful in this regard, because each saint magnifies a different aspect of Christ's life and of his suffering.

Abuse victims are sometimes resistant to seeking healing because they fear that it will involve reliving traumatic memories. Is that a necessary step for finding peace in Christ?

It's very important to distinguish between what are appropriate psychological methods of healing to be done under the care of a qualified mental-health professional and what are appropriate spiritual approaches to healing. For example, for victims of post-traumatic stress disorder, there is a type of psychotherapy whereby a person relives certain traumatic experiences. For some people, that can be therapeutic. However, if done outside of a controlled setting with a medically qualified practitioner, it can be dangerous.

Moreover, there is a theological problem with telling people that Christ can only heal you if you relive each memory. You can see this when you look at how he heals people in the Gospels. When Jesus healed the leper in Galilee, did he touch every single part of the leper's body? Of course not. The leper said to him in faith, "If you will, you can make me clean." Jesus simply stretched out his hand and touched him, saying, "I will; be clean."

The message in the Gospels is that our wounds are cracks where Christ's light can get in. When we open ourselves to his healing light, we can trust in faith that he'll reach all those dark places. Whether or not I can consciously remember every single thing that was done to me, all those experiences contributed in some way to who I am today. So when I offer my whole self to Christ, and ask him to enter in, I am asking Christ's precious blood to bleed into all my past. Carrying that image of the Precious Blood and the light of Christ entering into my entire life is much more beautiful than trying to force myself to review every single wound.

You make an interesting point when you say that you felt "impure" because of what had been done to you; you realize, now, that you were "impure," but not because of what happened in your childhood, but because of misguided actions you took to deal with the trauma later in life. Do you think this is common for victims of abuse?

I think it's extremely common. During my teenage years and young adulthood, not having yet come to terms with the abuse, I was engaged in a search for identity and seeking it in things that were not of God. And I kept digging myself in deeper, thinking I was going to find myself through all kinds of rebellion, including sexual rebellion. I desperately wanted to be loved, but was convinced I was only lovable for what I did for other people and not for who I was.

For me, being able to seek healing from the effects of the child sexual abuse tied in with learning how to stop acting from the pathology of the wounded child and to start acting from the health that Christ was offering me.

Before your conversion, you went to a top psychiatrist in New York City, yet he failed to diagnose your post-traumatic stress disorder. How did secular society's views of human sexuality impact that misdiagnosis?

He was following an overwhelmingly common belief among psychiatric professionals, which states that self-actualization can come through sexual activity, regardless of whether that activity is within marriage or a relationship. So the things I was doing that I now realize were damaging he saw as signs of health. He didn't realize that I was acting out of my sickness and not out of my wellness.

Do you think that secular culture's confusion about sexuality also impacts the way mental-health professionals identify and diagnose cases of abuse?

Yes. From my own experience, I personally believe that the emergence of the divorce culture, which started back in the 1950s and exploded during the 1960s and '70s, lowered the bar in terms of what psychologists thought was an acceptable environment for children.

Before then, it was understood that children should be insulated from having to witness certain kinds of sexual behavior that are de rigueur now. I'm thinking, for example, of the child of divorce who sees his mother bring home a new sex partner -- a man the child has never seen before, who then spends the night in the mother's bedroom. Even if the man is not abusive, it's still psychologically unsettling for the child to see a stranger enter into Mom's most private space and then show up at the breakfast table.

I realize single parents may not want to hear that, but it's worth asking people who grew up in that kind of environment how it affected them. Certainly, when a child's mother has a man stay over who is not the child's father, the child is at greater risk of abuse, statistically speaking. In this respect, it's important to note that childhood sexual abuse does not only include physical abuse. It also includes sex talk and sexual inappropriateness -- intentionally causing the child to take in something that he or she is too young to process, like social nudity or films with sexual content.

In the book you recount a beautiful moment in which you read a line from G.K. Chesterton and wanted more than anything in the world to experience "the poetry of not being sick." Have you found that?

Yes. In Christ I have found that poetry that I was seeking.

However, it is always important to emphasize that our life in Christ is a journey, one that is not completed until we, Lord willing, arrive face-to-face with God. In talking about "healing sexual wounds with the help of the saints," I by no means intend to canonize myself. My journey is still at its beginning. But each of us, through our baptism, has been given a message to share to lead others to Christ. I hope that by telling my story as an adult victim of childhood sexual abuse I might point others to the love of Christ by sharing my own journey of going from darkness into light.

Jennifer posted a second part of the interview on her blog Conversion Diary. I am reposting it here:

Forgiving the Unforgivable: A Conversation with Dawn Eden

For many of you, Dawn Eden needs no introduction. She's a popular blogger, a former rock journalist, Catholic convert, and author of the bestselling book The Thrill of the Chaste. I recently had the honor of interviewing her for the National Catholic Register, where she spoke for the first time publicly about her own experience as a victim of childhood sexual abuse. When I talked with her for that interview, I was overwhelmed by the amount of wisdom Dawn has gained on the subjects of healing and forgiveness. It was immediately clear that there was far more material here than could be contained in one interview.

So I wanted to share with you an informal Part II to our interview, in which Dawn speaks candidly on the subject of forgiveness -- particularly forgiveness when you've been deeply hurt. The insights she's gained through her healing journey carry powerful lessons for everyone, and so I am thrilled to share them here. And be sure to check out her brand new book, My Peace I Give You, which deals with these same subjects. Like with these interviews, I believe that the book contains powerful lessons for anyone who's in need of healing and a deeper understanding of forgiveness.

***

Q: A central concept of your book is how to go about forgiving the unforgivable. In particular, you mention a quote from St. Josephine Bakhita in which she says that if she could meet the people who kidnapped and tortured her she would kiss their hands, because that was part of her journey to Christ. Do we all have to forgive in that same way?

Though we are all called to be saints, in daily life there may be many things that the canonized saints did that we are not called to do. With regard to Bakhita, what each of us is called to do is what's within the Lord's Prayer: to forgive, but not necessarily to reconcile.

In ministering to victims of abuse, we need to be very clear about the distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. Many victims are under the mistaken impression that they are remaining in sin unless they reconcile with the abuser, but that's not true.

Yes, we have to forgive. To forgive someone is to want God's best for them. Thankfully, we don't have to do the heavy lifting: all forgiveness comes from the Holy Spirit. When we forgive someone we ask the Holy Spirit to enter into us and forgive that person on our behalf, and we set our will on cooperating with the Spirit's act of forgiveness.

Q: So there may be cases where people forgive, but don't reconcile?

Ideally, forgiveness leads to reconciliation. But, unlike forgiveness, reconciliation is a two-way street. If someone is still abusive, the most loving and forgiving thing may be to not attempt reconciliation, inasmuch as having further contact with that person would only give him or her the opportunity to abuse again.

Q: How has this understanding of forgiveness helped you in your own journey of healing?

It is very freeing. No longer do I have to worry about whether I've worked hard enough to forgive. I just have to ask the Holy Spirit to work forgiveness in and through me. Then I need to trust that, with my having made the choice to forgive, the Holy Spirit will continue to work in me, taking the wounds that remain and join them to the wounds of Christ.

Q: You mention that it is good for abuse victims to pray for those who have harmed them, but acknowledge that doing so may be impossible without stirring up up painful memories. What do you recommend for those kinds of situations?

I once got a very helpful tip from a Sister of Life. I was talking to her about how I felt that I owed it to God to pray for a certain person, but that it was painful for me to think about this person. The sister advised me to commend this person to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, to say to Mary, "Please place this person inside your Immaculate Heart, so that every time I'm praying for the intentions of your Immaculate Heart, I am praying for him."

Q: That must help channel your negative energy toward that person in a more positive direction.

You know that Twilight Zone episode where there's a child who has a dark supernatural power, and uses it to cast anyone who crosses him out into a cornfield? He casts out anyone with whom he's angry, sending more and more people away to this place, which is an allegory for hell.

I think many of us do that in our minds sometimes, cast people away, send them to hell in our thoughts. To place them instead into the Immaculate Heart of Mary is a positive counter to that attitude. In both cases, you're removing those people from the foreground of your thoughts -- but, through Mary, you're able to wish them into a good and holy place.

Q: Those of us who are longtime fans of your writing notice a change in your topics and tone: You used to be known for getting into heated debates with secular feminists, but you don't do that anymore. Did this journey of healing have anything to do with that?

Yes. There was one event in particular that led me to reconsider the way I'd been acting out against feminist bloggers:

I discuss this in more detail in the book, but there was a time several years ago when I antagonized feminist bloggers, because I saw them as encouraging the same kind of attitudes that fostered my childhood sexual abuse. Though I make no apologize for proclaiming those truths about human life and dignity that the Church proclaims to be true, it was wrong of me to lash out in uncharity.

A turning point came after a woman named Zuzu began a series of blog posts reviewing The Thrill of the Chaste at the blog Feministe. She was picking and choosing things to insult me about, setting out to thoroughly shame and embarrass me, making fun of me in the most uncharitable way.

At first I just wrote her off as a mean-spirited person. Then one day I saw a blog entry of hers about her childhood, in which she talked about the difficult aspects of her relationship with her mother. She gave specific examples of her mother transgressing certain boundaries, and while they weren't acts of sexual abuse, learning about them made me have so much compassion for her. I realized that it was a shame that I had burned so many bridges, and therefore couldn't reach out to Zuzu and say, "I know how you feel."

It was a point of conversion of heart for me, which led me to seek to avoid vitriol and uncharity in my public witness.

Q: What would you say to someone who feels trapped by old wounds, not sure where to even begin down the path of forgiveness?

I recommend partaking of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. That may sound strange, because certainly those who have been abused have no reason to confess things done to them that was not my fault. But, as I write in in My Peace I Give You, although the primary reason we go to Confession is to be forgiven our sins, forgiveness is not the only thing that happens in that sacrament. Christ touches us, and, whenever He touches us, He gives grace.

A problem that many abuse victims have is anxiety caused by their uncertainty over the state of their soul. They have so absorbed the lies imprinted upon them by their abuse that they have trouble discerning the difference between the lingering effects of the sins committed against them, for which they are not responsible, and their own sins, for which they are responsible.

Recently a friend who suffered from this painful uncertainty asked me for advice on confession. I recommended to her that when she went to confess, having the priest the sins that she was certain were her responsibility, she should add, "Since Jesus is with me in this sacrament, I want to ask His healing grace while I am here, because I was abused when I was a child. I know I am not responsible for my abuse, but it has led to my having thoughts that distance me from Him. If any of those thoughts are sinful, I am very sorry, because I don't want anything to separate me from Him. And even if they are not sinful, I ask Jesus to cover me with His Precious Blood and heal my hidden wounds."

A few months after suggesting that approach to my friend, I went into the confessional and was moved to say the very words I had recommended. It was very powerful. Afterwards, I could not believe it had taken me so long to take my own advice.

For anyone reading this who has suffered sexual abuse, you are especially in my prayers. May God's grace bring you healing, comfort and peace.

This post was originally posted on RoL a few years back. I reposted it on the blog since it is still relevant and this week's book discussion of Style, Sex and Substance is on Chapter 4: Sex, Passion and Purity.

Many times we receive emails asking similar questions. With the permission of the person asking, we have turned some of these questions into posts so others can benefit from them. I am not an expert. I am simply sharing my experiences with you.)

The Question:

My name is Jane and I am engaged and really struggling with chastity. My fiancé has recently come back to his faith and is on fire, but the one thing that he and I struggle with is chastity. It is putting a wall up between God and I. We have both come from different pasts. I have given myself away to two other men before my fiancé (John Smith). And John has given himself a number of times before me. Before he met me sex has never been something spiritual or emotional. He now understands why we should wait but struggles. How can we give up something so incredible? Why wait now? How could I have given myself away to someone I did not love when in my heart I wanted to wait until I was married? Both of us don't know how we are going to get out of this when we know how incredible making love is. We really need help! We want to conquer this before we get married in a year. If you have any literature or tips that would be helpful we would appreciate it. -Jane Smith

The Answer:

Part I - Why Not?

Hi Jane. I am glad you found RoL and stopped by to talk. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding with John. I first want to commend you for realizing that God is calling you to make some changes in your relationship and seeking help to make those changes. Just to reach this point is a grace from God!

It is wonderful that John has become on fire with his faith. It seems that God is working on both of you. You say that your premarital sex is putting up a wall between you and God. You also ask why you and John should stop having sex if it is so incredible. Well, first off - precisely because it is putting a wall between you and God!

There is a reason why that wall is there. God doesn't say "don't have sex until your married" just to deprive you of any fun. Rather, he knows just how incredible sex is - yet how damaging it can be when it's not kept in its proper perspective. It is like a fire. It's great to have a campfire at the beach or to sit cozy on the couch in front of the fire place on a cold winter day. But if that same fire were to spread into the living room and burn down your house, it is destructive and could even kill you.

Sex is the same way. It is powerful, passionate, intimate and sacred... but what you and John are doing is desecrating it. It is a mockery in the eyes of God. He meant sex to be a special gift for you and John to share on your wedding night; a way to consummate your marital covenant. It would be more than just a physical bond...you would be showered with grace and bond spiritually in an awesome way because it is blessed by God. Instead, premarital sex is a slap in the face to God saying, "What do you know, God? We want to have our fun now."

Well, I seriously doubt you MEAN to say that - but that is what your bodies and souls are saying every time you are intimate with each other before you are married. Although engaged you are not yet married. You have not yet entered into a marital covenant with John. Either you believe God and His Word or you don't. Either you trust Him to be the center of your life (including your sexuality) or you don't. There are no "ifs" "ands" or "buts". It's yes or no.

Okay, with that said, it's obvious that although you may not use the same words as I just did, something inside you KNOWS that something is wrong but you don't know why. You realize that there is a wall between you and God and you want to change that. Jane, that desire is God calling you. It is Christ saying, "Jane, do you love John more than you love me?" Christ needs to be at the center of your life and then everything else will fall into place. If you truly want have a loving, lasting and joyful marriage with John, you must settle this first.

Please forgive me if I sound like I'm being harsh! I don't mean to be because at the same time I totally sympathize with you because I know firsthand how difficult it is to deal with those strong sex drives and desires. I, too, have made mistakes in the past and it was such a struggle for me (for us) to keep the physical aspect in check while Brian and I were dating/engaged. I remember after my engagement my mom talking with me and explaining that now that we were engaged the temptation to be more intimate will be even stronger. I didn't believe her then but later I found out, dang, mom was right again!

Your situation is more difficult because you've already crossed the line and have already been sexually active with each other... but is it too late? Is it worth stopping now? YES!! You can enjoy a "secondary" virginity. The future of your marriage (not to mention your souls) may depend on it! Yes, it will be difficult but it is NOT impossible. I promise you that if you and John are willing to fight this and work at it together, God will give you the grace you need to accomplish it AND he will bless your efforts in an awesome way. Not only will you feel closer to God individually but also you will be able to receive all the marital graces ready for you on the day of your wedding. (You cannot receive those graces when you are in mortal sin. And that is the absolute worse way to start a marriage!)

Part II: How to Not

Okay, okay, enough of the "why" now let's deal with the "how". First thing I would recommend is to start up (or improve) your spiritual life. Whatever level you're at, increase it by the following:

--Go to confession and do it often. If you haven't gone yet, conquer your fear and just do it. You will feel better and you will receive the grace that you'll need. If you say, "I went to confession but I just keep sinning again", that's okay, go again and again and again. Don't forget that having sex with someone who is NOT YET your husband/wife is a mortal sin (if you fully know it and do it anyway). If you fall don't put your soul in jeopardy. Ask for God's forgiveness right away then go to confession ASAP and confess it as Christ has asked you to. (Trust me, it will help!)

--After you've gone to confession, go to Mass and go often. There is nothing more powerful than receiving Jesus in the Holy Eucharist (Remember, it is truly his body, blood, soul and divinity you're receiving!) He is waiting to do incredible things to your soul. Don't get discouraged it you receive communion and don't "feel anything". It takes time. Just trust and open your heart to Christ without reservation and he will help you become the woman of God you are meant to be.

--Pray and pray often. If you don't already, take a few minutes in the morning to offer your day to God. Get in the habit of turning your mind to Christ throughout the day. Then never end your day without thanking God for his blessings and reviewing your day. Ask God to forgive you for any action (or inaction) in which you've hurt Him or those around you. You can also thank him for the moments in which you were faithful to Him - since it was his grace that helped you.

--It is especially helpful to say the rosary (or one decade or even one Hail Mary). Our Lady was an incredible help to me when I was struggling with chastity. She has helped countless others do the same!

--You, Jane, pray each day a prayer something like this to God: "Lord, I love John. Thank you for bringing him into my life. I love his body, mind and soul and I never want to do anything to harm him physically, emotionally or spiritually. If we are to be married, that means you chose me to help him on the road to heaven. Give me strength to never tempt him or to seek my own pleasure over his well being. Help me to learn that true love takes sacrifice. I am willing to learn to love as Jesus loved so that John and I may be one in God now and forever. Amen." This is just to give you an idea, you can use your own words. (John can pray the same kind of prayer, changing the words to suit him.)

--Along with praying yourself, you and John should be praying the rosary and going to Mass together!

Along with all these spiritual helps, use common sense and self control.

--Okay, this is the hardest part. This is when you and John will have to test your love for one another. Will you be willing to say, "I love John so much that I will deny this strong desire to have sex with him"? Up until now you and John have been letting lust take over. Now it is time to let true love take over. Don't be fooled to think because you are having incredible sex that it must be right. A married woman could have incredible sex with the UPS guy but that does not make it right! The feeling is not the judge.

--You and John are going to have to make major changes in how you spend time together. You'll need to increase the time you spend outdoors or in public. Go places, start a hobby or and do active things! It may sound dumb but I'm serious! (There are many chaste people who are aided in coping with sexual energy by keeping their bodies physically active in running or other sports. Idleness and being alone together is ideal for temptation.) Now is the time to really develop and focus on your friendship. If your marriage is going to work you must be best friends!

Too many times couples get physically involved, have great sex, then deduce that they are "meant" for each other. Unfortunately, they weren't meant to be together and years down the line they come to realize it and they divorce. You don't want that to happen to you and John! By taking the sex out of the relationship now you'll be able to make decisions with a clear head and will better know if you are truly in love with each other or in love with the sex.

--Next, don't put yourself in tempting situations! You'll have to decide (in a prayerful attitude) at what point you will draw the line. Then keep the rest off limits. Some couples chose to hold off kissing all together and only hold hands. Some will give "quick kisses" but no "making out." Whatever you decide, stay away from the "no-brainer" temptations. (ie. Don't lay on the floor or bed together; forget the back seat of the car or reclining on the couch in an empty apartment. Keep your hands off "no fly zones" and don't kiss "target areas" that get things going etc.)

--Remember that living a chaste life is more than just "don't do this and that". It is a way of life, a change in attitude that is much more positive than negative! You can read my post Chaste and Loving It. I also recommend Jason Evert's website Chastity.com. For those who have already made mistakes in the past you may want to check out the book The Thrill of the Chaste: Finding Fulfillment While Keeping Your Clothes On by Dawn Eden.

--Find a mentor, priest or another married couple that can help you along the way and hold you accountable. Some choose their parents if they are godly people but in any case, the person/couple should be older than you and trying to live a holy life and they should know well the Church's teachings on marriage and be able to guide you in Christian morality.

Well, Jane, I have to run now but I want to get this email off to you before I leave. You and John are so blessed to realize all this stuff now. God is calling both of you to draw closer to Him now, before you are married. How many couples wish they had that chance again, now that they're married! You and John can do this with God's help! And even if you fail...even if you fail over and over...keep trying and keep seeking God's mercy! Don't give up! And Jane, although you may think sex is great now - wait until you experience it as God intended - with the man who has shared a sacred marital vow with you before God- it far outshines anything else! Much love to you and John. My prayers are with you.

In Christ,
Bobbi

PS- Jane, after reading over this I realized that it may sound a bit preachy or harsh to someone who doesn't know me. I just wrote a lot of things I feel strongly in my heart so try to see that I'm not judging you - I'm more like a big sister talking to her little sis! :)

This post was originally posted on RoL a few years back. I reposted it on the blog since it is still relevant and this week's book discussion of Style, Sex and Substance is on Chapter 4: Sex, Passion and Purity.

Chastity is for those whose spirit is willing but flesh is weak! Chastity is not always easy, but it is also not impossible if you are willing to work at it. If you want to start living a chaste life, please allow me to give the following advice that helped me turn my life around:

Bail out of the bad relationships.

Some relationships are just screaming "disaster" but we're so involved physically we are blinded to it. Stop the physical activity. As time goes by, if it was all lust the relationship will fall apart. (You deserve better than that! Get out of there!) If the relationship flourishes without physical activity then it's a safe bet that it's not one of lust and worth keeping.

Stop the Sin.

If you are involved in immoral activity, put a stop to it. Casual sex, masturbation, pornography and other such things are poison to your body and soul! They are physically addictive and spiritually bonding to evil spirits. It will take spiritual and physical help to stop. Read on...

Avoid occasions of sin!

Chastity requires lots of spiritual help but also good old fashioned COMMON SENSE. We live in a world that can't sell anything without using sex. Perversion and immorality are everywhere but we can still avoid it as much as possible. Don't fool yourself. Don't think you can see movies, hear music, read material, hang out with friends, or go to places that degrade sex, without it affecting you. Satan won't have to work hard to tempt you since you freely walk into danger yourself!

And I'm not only talking about "hard core" stuff. Your passions can be aroused slowly and subtly; then when your guard is down, it'll hit you full force. If you feel a temptation coming on, get it out of your mind immediately or if need be, get up and remove yourself physically. Do whatever it takes. You've got to be vigilant, particularly with those things that you personally are most vulnerable with (you know what they are).

Get to confession...and do it often.

If you haven't been to confession in awhile now is the time. I know how hard it can be when you've got a list of things (or even one) that you're too embarrassed to admit to anyone, let alone a priest. I tried a couple of times and chickened out in the confessional. Finally, I wrote all the sins down on paper, took a deep breath, and went in there and said everything without stopping. It felt so good to not only finally get it off my chest, but to hear the words "your sins are forgiven" and to receive the grace of the sacrament. It was overwhelming. God desires to heal you and help you avoid sin. Go as soon as possible and make it a habit to keep going to confession every two weeks or at least once a month. (For those struggling a great deal, go more often.)

Embrace the Eucharist.

Along with the sacrament of Reconciliation, receive the sacrament of the Holy Eucharist as often as possible. In the Eucharist - which is Jesus truly present Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity - we receive tremendous healing power. Christ restores our life and strengths us. This is paramount to living a life of grace!

Develop a relationship with Our Lady and St. Joseph.

Our Blessed Mother was very instrumental in helping me break from sexual sin. Her tender love challenged me when I needed a boost and comforted me when I felt my weakest. She has constantly helped me to keep my focus on Christ and continues to teach me how to love and serve Him more each day. She is as real to me as anyone I know. She is your mother and she longs to embrace you and help you with your struggle. Turn to her. Pray the rosary every day or at least a decade. (If you don't know how to pray the rosary or don't have one, email me or leave a comment and ask for one. We'll send you a plastic rosary and the prayers.) It is a powerful weapon in combating sin and retaining purity. You will also find St. Joseph a wonderful example and prayer warrior for you. Being a chaste man and protector of the virgins, he is eager to offer his prayers and assistance to all of us striving to live a pure life.

Surround yourself with holy people and things.

Make friends with people who are living life chastely. Spend time together (or email each other if they're far away) and encourage one another. (Note: It is great to have friends of the opposite sex but you must be extremely careful not to discuss sexual sins and weaknesses with them. All too often, these "discussions" have led friends into sin together, instead of helping each other out. If you need prayer, ask for it without going into detail. If you need a confidant it should be someone older and of the same sex. See tip #8.) Fill your mind with wholesome stories and movies. Read books about the saints and see how God helped them to avoid sin and live a life of virtue. Make use of sacramentals such as holy water, the scapular, icons, and such. They will help keep your mind's eye on God.

Find a spiritual director.

A spiritual director will help you develop a life of prayer and grace. If that is not possible find someone who you can talk to whom will hold you accountable and help you grow in holiness. These persons should be someone older and wiser than you, of deep prayer and living a chaste life of grace themselves.

Keep yourself busy.

Get involved with your church, community service, or get some exercise outdoors. Keeping your mind and body busy with healthy and moral activities will lessen your chances of falling into sin.

I'm sure there are a lot more things I could mention but this will get you started. It may seem overwhelming if you are not used to living a chaste life but I assure you, with God's grace, it is possible. Work at it and don't give up when you fall, even if you fall many times. I assure you that the peace and joy of living chastely is worth the struggle of breaking free from the shackles of sexual immorality. Engrave Christ's words deep within your heart, "Your sins are forgiven. Go and sin no more."

A note to those who are struggling terribly with sexual addiction, I recommend you checking out the Family Life Center's website. There is a page geared to those struggling with pornography, but I believe the steps can be applied to other sexual sins as well. Go to Help for Those Struggling with Pornography.

Lastly, if you need someone to pray for you while you're struggling with this, feel free to contact us. God bless you and strengthen you!

(This article was written on February 11, the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes. It was on this day many years ago that Our Blessed Mother helped me break free from the shackles of sin. It was an ongoing struggle, but it was she who brought me back to Christ and continues to guide me today. To My Lady I say, thank you with all my love.)

This post was originally posted on RoL a few years back. I reposted it on the blog since it is still relevant and this week's book discussion of Style, Sex and Substance is on Chapter 4: Sex, Passion and Purity.

Chastity is a way of life. It is respecting the human person as a whole, not as an object. It is valuing your own gift of sexuality and revering the sacredness and life-giving power of sex within marriage. Chastity is not a negative aspect of "I can't do this" or "I can't do that," rather it is empowering. Living chastely frees us from the shackles of immorality and allows us to live a life of freedom as God intended.

Chastity is not for guys who are weak and faint-hearted.

Today's society will often portray a male virgin in their 20's or 30's as a sort of social misfit - undesirable, unmanly, timid or a religious fanatic. I have very little regard for many of society's "values" so it's not surprising to find out...that's such a lie!

A guy who constantly gratifies his own sexual desires through immorality is a billboard for weakness. It is true that most guys have a strong sex drive BUT when a guy puts his weakness in God's hands and works with God to control his passion and love purely, that is a man of strength and honor! (For you single guys looking for a holy wife...that is extremely attractive to a girl!)

Chastity helps a guy develop his true potential as a man of God, realizing that there is more to him than his sex drive. It helps him view women not through the eyes of lust but through the eyes of God. He sees their beauty and treats then with respect and the tenderness of a pure heart. Chastity inspires him to love God and rely on Him continuously for strength.

Chastity is not for girls who enjoy having a low self-esteem and dating losers.

Most often it seems that men use the words "I love you" to get sex, while women have sex to hear "I love you". For the most part, girls ache to be held and told that they are loved. I will admit I was one of those countless females who didn't feel loved and worth anything unless I had a guy in my life - whether I was dating him, chasing him, or just flirting with him. Why was my self-worth so low that I could not bear not having a guy in my life? Because I equated physical attraction and emotion with love. Because I didn't have God in my life to see that I am precious and loved by Him!

Chastity helps a woman realize that her self-worth doesn't come from this world but from within - knowing that you are the precious daughter of God, created to love and be loved. With His strength and grace you come to realize that you do not need to degrade yourself for emotional or physical gratification. You realize that God has chosen a special spouse just for you (whether it be Christ as a religious or to a man of God in marriage) and you have the God-given grace to live joyfully in the freedom of purity and self-respect. (Ladies, if it worked for me, it can certainly work for you!)

Chastity is for the spiritual poppas and mommas.

In a special and unique way, the consecrated, religious and clergy are able to give a powerful witness to how a person can love purely for the sake of Christ and His Church. A priest and religious brother must have a great capacity to love in order to give their life to God in this way. They have taken the holy Catholic Church as their beloved bride and have dedicated their lives to loving and serving her. They have taken as their children the people they help day in and day out.

Likewise, nuns, sisters, and consecrated women have been chosen by God to be Christ's beloved spouse. With the natural instinct to mother and nurture, they have embraced the countless souls that live in misery, both physically and spiritually. Their prayers and works caress these souls and love them so that they too may realize that God is their Father and He desires them to be happy with Him in heaven. As spiritual brides and mothers, they are living example of pure life-giving love.

Chastity is for those who say "I Do".

Brian and I live as a chaste married couple...does that mean we don't have sex?? No, it means that we treasure sex as a powerful and life giving gift! All spouses are called to continue to live their life of chastity even after they are married. Remember that chastity is a way of life, treating sex and love with dignity and respecting its purpose. Couples are not to use artificial contraception for that would desecrate the act of marital intercourse, drive a wedge between the couple and take God out of the picture. Married couples must keep God in the bedroom. After all, He is the life-giving creator of sex. When couples do this they are able to enjoy an incredibly beautiful and powerful gift that bonds them together at all levels - physically, mentally, and spiritually. That love is so strong and so blessed that God-willing, nine months later you'll be choosing a name.

Living chastely as a married couple also means outside of the bedroom. It is respecting your spouse for who they are and loving their whole person, not just their bodies. It is guarding your eyes, ears, thoughts, and actions so that nothing would ever poison the sacred love you share with your spouse. It is living married life as God meant it to be lived - filled with love, dignity, and tremendous joy.

Chastity is for the pure of heart.

I am overjoyed when I see teenagers, young adults, and married couples living a life of chastity. It is such an encouragement to me and gives great glory to God, especially in today's world. They are living chastely for God and loving it... but not because it is easy or requires no work. Rather, they are like an athlete in training. It requires hard work, dedication and sacrifice but when the goal is achieved and you have won the race, all the work was worth it. It is the same for living the Christian life.

So to you who are living a chaste life, I say, thank you! You are lights in a world of darkness that desperately needs you! Your chaste life is one of great beauty! You are the hope of other single people who are looking for a holy spouse! You are our inspiration when we see you performing your priestly duties! Your love shines beyond the convent walls! The love you have for your spouse and children are a testimony to men and women throughout society! You all encourage me and countless others. May God bless you and strengthen you, forever!

continued reading:

Chastity Part II: What If the Spirit Is Willing But The Flesh Is Weak?

The feast day of St. Ann and St. Joachim is coming up on July 26. If you'd like to make a novena to them, today is the day to start!

Both saints have always been very close to my heart. St. Ann is my patron saint and when I was single I would especially pray to her and St. Joachim to find a good man & holy spouse. After I was married I especially prayed to them when Brian and I were dealing with infertility and miscarriage.

Yesterday I found an old box of holy cards and prayer pamphlets and inside was the small prayer booklet I had used all those years. It is called "Good Saint Anne" by Rev. Lawrence G. Lovasik, S.V.D. Here is the particular prayer I said.

Prayer to St. Anne and St. Joachim

Great and glorious patriarch, St Joachim, and good St Anne, what joy is mine when I consider that you were chosen among all God's holy ones to assist in the fulfillment of the mysteries of God, and to enrich our earth with the great Mother of God, Mary most holy. By this singular privilege, you have become most powerful with both the Mother and her Son, so as to be able to obtain for us the graces that are needful to us.

With great confidence I have recourse to your mighty protection, and I commend to you all my needs, both spiritual and temporal, and those of my family. Especially do I entrust to your keeping the particular favor that I desire and look for from your intercession. (Mention your petition.)

And since you were a perfect pattern of the interior life, obtain for me the grace to pray earnestly, and never to set m heart on the passing goods of this life. Give me a lively and enduring love for Jesus and Mary. Obtain for me also a sincere devotion and obedience to Holy church and the sovereign pontiff who rules over her, in order that I may live an die in faith and hope and perfect charity. Let me ever invoke the holy Names of Jesus and Mary. And may I thus be saved. Amen.

There is also a great Nine Day Novena to St. Anne at EWTN.com.

St. Anne and St. Joachim, pray for us!

(Note: The image of St. Anne and St. Joachim is from Not of This World Icons.com.)

Yesterday Hallie at Betty Beguiles had the great idea of asking bloggers to post their engagement stories. It was so much fun to go back to my old journals and read about our early months together. Sometimes it's easy to forget the romance when you are dealing with the every day busyness of raising little ones. It was a good reminder that Brian and I need to carve out a little alone time no matter how busy.

I don't have time to write out the story (I'm typing with one hand and holding a restless baby with the other) so instead I'll just repost the story of our "courtship" which includes our engagement. Brian and wrote this together so you'll get his side of the story too.

Also, after we were married I found the notes Brian used write down what he wanted to say when he proposed. I was so happy to find that because in the emotion of the moment I don't think my mind was registering all the beautiful words he was saying to me. Now that they are in my scrapbook I can go back and relive them word for word.

Now, on with the story...

BOBBI: In my late twenties, it started to become the family joke that if I was not married the age of thirty then I was going to pack my bags, move to Zimbabwe, live with the natives and die for a noble cause! (Okay, so I was a little dramatic.) Time was ticking and I was trying to grow closer to God and accept my singleness at the moment. My younger sister Elena suggested I try the website Single Catholics Online (now known as Ave Maria SCOL). I laughed at the idea, insisting that I was not desperate enough to look for a good Catholic husband on some dating service! She gave me that knowing look, smiled and walked out of the room saying, "Instead of crying about wanting a husband, get to work and check it out." How does she know me so well?

I immediately logged onto the site...just for fun of course. I was amazed at what I saw. It was not a "dating service" as I imagined but a cyber community of like-minded faithful Catholics who desired to live a life of holiness in the vocation of marriage. The extensive questionnaire alone was enough to allow me to find out more about each man's likes and beliefs than weeks of "surface dating." I also liked the fact that you had to pay a fee to use the site, knowing that the required time and effort would tend to attract more serious Catholics.

I decided to take the plunge but I waited a few days for October 13th on the anniversary date of Fatima's Miracle of the Sun. I knew that finding the right guy was going to take Our Lady's intervention and the Miracle of the SON. For the next couple of weeks I browsed through the profiles and met a few nice guys but nothing serious. Then it happened. A new member named Brian posted his profile and although he didn't have his photo up yet his answers immediately caught my attention. He seemed perfect for me! In fact, he seemed too good to be true and I thought to myself, this guy must be a phony; either he is a fake, writing from a prison cell, or he's real and should be in the seminary!

I couldn't find the nerve to write him so I printed out the top 7 or 8 profiles of guys that I thought best matched what I was looking for. Out of all those guys I knew Brian was my top choice but I still feared that he seemed "too good" for me. I went back to my sister Elena and gave her the stack of profiles I printed. I told her that I planned to start writing one of them but I wanted her to choose the one that would fit me. She came back with Brian's profile and said, "Write him." That was enough confirmation for me. I took a deep breath and composed a short email that would open the opportunity for conversation yet was still ambiguous enough for him to not respond if he didn't want to.

BRIAN: On November 1st, the feast of All Saints, I was on my way to the Monterey Peninsula. That day I left the seminary after a year and a half stay. I realized it was not my vocation and God called me to start a new chapter of my life.

Previously, while reading Catholic publications in the seminary library, I came across an article about a Catholic single's organization called "Single Catholics Online" (now Ave Maria SCOL). I read the article and felt encouraged that someone was trying to establish a forum over the internet where single Catholics could contact one another and find a potential spouse. When I decided to leave the seminary I thought about marriage but did not know where to turn in regards to finding a spouse who was orthodox, wanted a family, and desired to raise children in a Catholic environment. All of a sudden SCOL came to mind and I decided to give the website a shot.

The day I left the seminary is the same day I filled out the questionnaire on the SCOL website. I started a novena to God that night praying that He would help me find the right spouse. I also promised God that I would not write anyone, but only respond to those individuals who wrote me first. I thought it was the best way to assure that this was God's will and not my own. On the ninth day of the novena Bobbi wrote me. Her initial e-mail was short and at first I was not sure if I should respond. But after thinking it over for a day I responded and so began our friendship. We e-mailed one another frequently and our relationship began to blossom.

BOBBI: I was at work when I received Brian's first email and it was so kind and funny that I had to refrain from jumping around the room with glee. I had gotten lots of emails but I knew in my gut that there was something different about this guy and that he would be significant in my life. Also realizing that I didn't want to be rash, I went to Adoration on my lunch break and consecrated to Jesus my new friendship with Brian and asked Our Lord and Our Lady to guide me every step of the way.

Over the next five months Brian and I shared countless emails, letters and letter-tapes until Brian finally felt it was time to talk on the phone. (I, being the more impulsive of the two, was ready to talk to him after the first few weeks but Brian felt we should pray and take matters more slowly. God was teaching me patience AGAIN! )

BRIAN: On March 4th, the feast of St. Casimir, I called Bobbi and we spoke over the phone for the first time. I was nervous when I called and I could tell Bobbi was a little nervous as well. Though I can't remember what we talked about I do remember thinking that the conversation went well. We decided that on April 16th, the feast of St. Benedict Labre, we would meet for the first time. I would fly from Monterey, CA to LAX to Ontario, CA where Bobbi was to pick me up.

BOBBI: The day finally arrived and I paced the airport terminal with butterflies in my stomach. This was no ordinary "meeting a friend." After all the months of revealing our deepest selves to one another through pen, computer and phone, I was 99% sure that Brian was the man I was to marry, but I had to talk to him face to face to be completely sure.

BRIAN: I remember being extremely nervous when I got off the plane. Bobbi told me that she would be wearing a miraculous medal and a medal of the Holy Family so I wouldn't miss her. We met and briefly hugged, talked a little and headed out to Bobbi's parish. When we arrived at the parish Bobbi and I went inside the quiet little Church and prayed the holy rosary together. It was beautiful praying the rosary with Bobbi for it gave me the opportunity to see her put her faith into practice. It became a pattern for us to start off each visit on a spiritual note by praying the rosary, attending Mass or practicing some other devotion.

BOBBI: After beginning our weekend in prayer I took Brian home to meet my family. I knew the biggest test was to come - passing "Mom Inspection." When we arrived at my house my mom looked out the window just as Brian was going up the walkway. She had been praying earnestly for my future husband and she told me later that when she saw Brian for the first time her "heart leapt." She knew he was the man God had chosen for me. Needless to say, he passed inspection from my parents with flying colors.

Afterwards Brian and I headed to Oceanside to visit the Prince of Peace Abbey where we walked the grounds and attended Vespers. Afterwards we drove to the beach to watch the sunset. Unfortunately the clouds were not cooperating and covered the majority of the sky. However, we found an old log on the beach and sat there talking and marveling how wonderful it was to finally be together. Just then we looked out towards the ocean and saw the clouds slowly separate to reveal the most breathtaking sunset that filled the sky with gorgeous shades of golden red. It was as if God was giving His final blessing on the most wonderful day of my life. I felt like I was watching a movie - it all seemed so unreal. (In fact, had this been a movie I would have complained, "Fake! Stuff like this doesn't happen in REAL life!") But this WAS real...I sat there next to Brian with my heart completely full. I looked at him and was struck deeply because I knew he was the one man I had been waiting for all my life.

BRIAN: The weekend Bobbi and I spent together was awesome! Not only did I get to meet Bobbi's family but we also tried to cram as much as we could into the weekend. We attended a small Marian conference, went out to dinner, enjoyed the beach, and visited a state park. Every minute was wonderful and the whole visit was a true blessing. However, the weekend went by too quickly. Before I knew it Bobbi and I were heading back to the airport so I could catch a plane back to Monterey. It was very hard to say good-bye because I was saying good-bye to my best friend. I shed a few tears as I got on the plane, but realized that Bobbi and I would soon be together again. In four weeks Bobbi would come visit me.

BOBBI: After an incredible weekend, it was finally time to say our good-byes. A few hours before arriving at the airport I talked to Brian about our friendship and how it was developing. Ever cautious, he said that he cared for me but didn't know what the future held. I understood that he wanted to go slowly and that he was just not as emotionally attached to me as I was to him. I knew he would get to the same level I was at, but I had to be patient. Knowing this helped me control myself at the airport so I could hug Brian good-bye without shedding a tear. However, I was taken aback when I saw that it was Brian, not I, who was shedding tears. He walked away and as he looked back I could see that it pained him to leave me. Later Brian told me that as he sat in the plane to go home he suddenly realized that he did not want to live his life without me and that he loved me. It was after that first airport goodbye that we reached the same emotional level.

The next few months were filled with a tremendous amount of joy and new love, as well as pain from being separated by 400 miles. As difficult as it was we knew that Our Lord and Our Lady had brought us together and that they would also give us the strength to endure a long distance relationship. I had read somewhere that love is like a spark of fire and that distance from the one you love will either extinguish that spark or set it ablaze. For us, it united our hearts even closer. We were able to truly appreciate what we found in each other because we were constantly reminded of what it was like without each other. However, by the time summer approached we had to face the fact that as our love deepened for one another the separation was causing emotional havoc. Something had to be done.

BRIAN: In the beginning, this pattern of visiting one another every 4 to 6 weeks worked out, but as I started to fall deeper in love with Bobbi our separation became more difficult. On one of her visits Bobbi raised the question of marriage. I must admit I was a bit shocked since I thought it would be some time before we would get engaged. That weekend I thought about what Bobbi had said and decided that she was right. I loved her and I knew we would get married. Plus our separation was taking a great toll on both of us. It was time to get engaged!

After telling my parents, who were both surprised and a little shocked, about my decision to get engaged to Bobbi we made plans to get married in December. On my following visit to So. California I asked Bobbi's parents permission to marry her. I remember being very nervous, but I told them how much I loved their daughter and how I wanted to marry her. They gave me their blessing and permission to marry Bobbi - tears and joy followed. I proposed to Bobbi under the moon and stars. When Bobbi said "yes", I slipped the ring on her finger. We were engaged!

BOBBI: That night I felt like I was walking in a dream. After Brian asked my parents permission we went outside to look at the beautiful starry night. Brian went down on one knee and professed his undying love for me. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thought to myself, how in the world could I have been so blessed to have the love of this wonderful man? (I still get tears just writing about it...) I said yes and hugged Brian as he slipped the most gorgeous ring I had ever seen on my hand. There in the moonlight we held one another thanking God for His mercy and goodness in bringing our lives together.

BRIAN: The following day Bobbi and I attended Mass with her family. During the Mass we had our engagement blessed in a beautiful ceremony. (As a side note - for those of you who are engaged, I highly recommend that you have your engagement blessed). Preparations for the wedding were made during the fall and winter months. One of my assignments was to find a priest to marry us. On September 13th, the anniversary of the Blessed Virgin's fifth visit to the Shepherd children of Fatima, Fr. Ryan celebrated the evening Mass at Carmel Mission. When I saw him come from the sacristy and stand behind the altar I knew at that instant that he would marry us. After Mass I asked Fr. Ryan if he would marry Bobbi and I. He kindly said "yes". The following week I secured the Carmel Mission Basilica for December 28th, the feast of the Holy Innocents. The Basilica was free the entire day so instead of choosing a morning time I chose 3 PM, the hour of Divine Mercy.

BOBBI: Living 400 miles away from the wedding site made matters a little harder to plan but thankfully Brian's mom took on the job of coordinating the entire reception. A week and a half before the actual event my parents helped me move all my things to Carmel. It was a bittersweet feeling. I rejoiced at the new life I was going to start with Brian, but at the same time it pained me to say goodbye to my family. Luckily the last minute preparations for the wedding kept my mind occupied for the time being.

BRIAN: The night before the wedding we had our rehearsal and then we went out to dinner with our families and the wedding party. We ate at a Swiss restaurant and had fondue; everyone had a wonderful time and our families enjoyed one another's company. After the rehearsal dinner Bobbi and I said goodnight and we both went our separate ways for the last time.

BOBBI: The day of our wedding finally arrived. As I stood dressed in my bridal gown with the long train and veil, I felt like a princess about to marry her prince. It was the strangest feeling...as if I was walking through a dream. I remember standing at the side door of the Carmel Mission and listening to the procession music start. Soon I was walking down the aisle on the arm of my father. I had to hold back the tears as he led me to Brian and then placed my hand into his. I kissed my Dad on the cheek knowing that he was happy for me but also sad to let his "little girl" go.

I looked over to Brian and his eyes were brimming with joy and love. My own heart was brimming...not only because I was about to marry Brian but also in thanksgiving to God for showering his mercy upon me and for answering my prayers above and beyond my imagination. There had been a time not too long ago when I thought that I'd never find the man of my dreams but on this day I married him. Together we vowed our love, standing no longer as two, but as one. I don't think the day could have gone more beautifully or could have touched me more deeply.

BRIAN: On December 28, 1999 Bobbi and I got married at the Carmel Mission. I will never forget the day. The sky was crystal blue and it must have been about 75 degrees outside, which is unusual weather for December. But the weather was only the icing on the cake; what made the day so special - one that I will never forget - is that I entered into a union, a covenant with the woman I love. The woman God gave me to be my wife. God called me to the vocation of marriage and I responded with a "yes".

"To Thee be praise, to Thee be glory, to Thee be thanksgiving through endless ages, O Most Blessed Trinity!"

For those Catholic singles recovering from the Valentine's blues, here's a new book you may be interested in - How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul. It is authored by the incredible couple/ chastity speakers Jason and Crystalina Evert. (I love these guys! See their past interview at RoL here.)

Here's the book description:

In your quest for love, don't lose yourself along the way.

While navigating through the dating scene, every woman begins to wonder:

* How do I know when a guy really loves me?
* Am I being too picky?
* Do I even deserve love?
* Is my relationship worth keeping?
* Is love worth the risk?
* Are any decent guys left?

Single women often feel left alone to find answers to their deep questions about love and intimacy. Some hang out and hook up, hoping for love. Others are afraid even to hope. At some point, every woman needs reassurance that she--and her standards--are not the problem. In How to Find Your Soulmate without Losing Your Soul, you'll discover twenty-one strategies to help you raise the bar, instead of sitting at it, waiting around for Mr. Wonderful.

Isn't it time that you discovered a love that helps you to become yourself?

Check it out at http://www.howtofindyoursoulmate.com.

I woke up this Valentine's morning to find a love note from Brian waiting for me. In it he told me how much he loved me and what I meant to him. It brought me to tears because I knew it wasn't just "words" on a day he was expected to be romantic. He shows me that love every day - from a unexpected kiss to changing an incredibly stinky diaper without being asked. It's all those little things we do for each other and the foundation of our love for God that keeps us in love. 11 1/2 years and 4 kids later, he is still able to melt my heart with his smile. :-)

Pondering all this had me thinking about how we first met. I reread our story that we posted on RoL ages ago. If your curious, you can read it for yourself. Enjoy! And Happy Valentine's Day. (And for those singles, don't lose hope!)

BOBBI: In my late twenties, it started to become the family joke that if I was not married the age of thirty then I was going to pack my bags, move to Zimbabwe, live with the natives and die for a noble cause! (Okay, so I was a little dramatic.) Time was ticking and I was trying to grow closer to God and accept my singleness at the moment. My younger sister Elena suggested I try the website Single Catholics Online (now known as Ave Maria SCOL). I laughed at the idea, insisting that I was not desperate enough to look for a good Catholic husband on some dating service! She gave me that knowing look, smiled and walked out of the room saying, "Instead of crying about wanting a husband, get to work and check it out." How does she know me so well?

I immediately logged onto the site...just for fun of course. I was amazed at what I saw. It was not a "dating service" as I imagined but a cyber community of like-minded faithful Catholics who desired to live a life of holiness in the vocation of marriage. The extensive questionnaire alone was enough to allow me to find out more about each man's likes and beliefs than weeks of "surface dating." I also liked the fact that you had to pay a fee to use the site, knowing that the required time and effort would tend to attract more serious Catholics.

I decided to take the plunge but I waited a few days for October 13th on the anniversary date of Fatima's Miracle of the Sun. I knew that finding the right guy was going to take Our Lady's intervention and the Miracle of the SON. For the next couple of weeks I browsed through the profiles and met a few nice guys but nothing serious. Then it happened. A new member named Brian posted his profile and although he didn't have his photo up yet his answers immediately caught my attention. He seemed perfect for me! In fact, he seemed too good to be true and I thought to myself, this guy must be a phony; either he is a fake, writing from a prison cell, or he's real and should be in the seminary!

I couldn't find the nerve to write him so I printed out the top 7 or 8 profiles of guys that I thought best matched what I was looking for. Out of all those guys I knew Brian was my top choice but I still feared that he seemed "too good" for me. I went back to my sister Elena and gave her the stack of profiles I printed. I told her that I planned to start writing one of them but I wanted her to choose the one that would fit me. She came back with Brian's profile and said, "Write him." That was enough confirmation for me. I took a deep breath and composed a short email that would open the opportunity for conversation yet was still ambiguous enough for him to not respond if he didn't want to.

BRIAN: On November 1st, the feast of All Saints, I was on my way to the Monterey Peninsula. That day I left the seminary after a year and a half stay. I realized it was not my vocation and God called me to start a new chapter of my life. (Continue Reading...)

What originally got me to thinking about Stephanie's article (as I mentioned in the last post) was a link from another blog La Chica Loca's Life. (btw, love the name, chica.)

She was talking about her struggle with her deep desire to marry but not finding the right guy. Then I received an email this morning from a friend about her struggle with her deep desire for a child but now being able to conceive.

Thinking back to when I was still single, I could totally relate to the frustration of wanting something that you desire so much, it leaves your heart aching. I felt like that when I was looking for my spouse. I always thought that when I did find him, that hole in my heart would finally be filled.

In a sense, it is true because Brian is such a part of me but I found one heartache replaced with another when we both struggled with infertility and miscarriage. Thankfully these desires were eventually fulfilled and left us joyous but as I get older I realize that there is often always a heartaching longing - whether it is for something or someone yet found or for something or someone lost.

I think that is simply part of being a lover of God. As St. Augustine says, "Our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee, O Lord." Sometimes our prayers are answered right away and sometimes we are left waiting...and waiting. Those desires are in our hearts because they drives us to return our eyes to God. They cause us to constantly die to ourselves and surrender to Him.

There is tremendous joy and love to be found on this earth, giving us a little taste of heaven, but there is also a great deal of heartache and injustice that reminds us that this is only a temporary situation. Ultimately our eyes should be on the goal of our eternal home. It's hard to remember that in the day-to-day tasks of living but in the quiet of our hearts we can still feel the longing. It will always be there until it is completely quenched and united in the fullness of God's love.

I was browsing the phatmass phorum and I found a beautiful Prayer For Seeking A Marriage Mate. I'm posting it here for my single friends:

"Lord, You said that it is not good for us to be alone. You made us for each other. But Lord, I find it so hard to find that mate who would be a good spouse. Help me, Lord, to put this yearning for marriage in its proper place. Lead me, Lord, to the one whom You choose for my spouse. While I wait for You to reveal Your Will in this matter, help me to know myself better. Help me to address those areas of my life which are disordered and which would interfere with my having a successful marriage. When my desire to find a spouse becomes all consuming, help me to relax and practice patience. Help me to invest in wholesome friendships which bring me closer to You and which will assist me in making such an important decision. It is so natural, Lord, to seek love. Teach me to seek You first and to learn to give love before I try to receive it. Help me to remember that whatever journey this life leads me on, You are always present, always offering companionship, and always filling my deepest need. I offer You, Lord, my loneliness and my longing for marriage. I wait for You to lead me to Your perfect Will for me in this and all things. Amen."

For those of you who prefer shorter prayers, this one was suggested on the phorum:

"Dear Saint Anne, Send Me A Man..."

Yeah, that's pretty much what I was saying before I met Brian! hahaha!(since St. Anne is my patron saint.)

In the 9/26/03 com box I received a long comment from Maria in Mass. Since I also received another email asking about Ave Maria Singles and previously someone else asked me about Lord of the Rings, I decided to post my answer in the blog instead of the comment box to make things easier.

You are getting me interested in "Lord Of The Rings". I never read any of the books or saw the movies. Do these books and movies have some kind of Catholic influence?

JR Tolkien, the author of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, was a Catholic. The story may not be "Catholic" in name but it contains many beautiful "Catholic" lessons. I find it incredibly uplifting, although it is rather dark at times. My worldview sees Catholics as fighting a battle for God. (Hence the name "revolution of love.") So the battle of good vs evil in LOTR is more than just a story to me; it is something I can apply to my own life. There are also more subtle images that will evoke thoughts of Catholic elements such as the Sacraments.

I would highly recommend you reading the books! If you are the type that likes to read first before watching the movie, do that. (I saw the LOTR and TT first then read the trilogy before I see ROTK.) If you are not that motivated to actually read the book you should at least watch the first movie Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Rings. It is so beautiful. (If you rent it, get the extended version with extra footage.) More than likely you will get so into it you'll want to read and see the rest! Do watch it and let me know what you think!

I do not have anyone my age around here who are Catholic....and my church does NOT have a singles group...yet...I am working on encouraging our Pastor on forming one though.

The last time we approached our pastor about starting a Young Adults group in our church, he agreed if we were the ones to put it together. It is easy to tell the pastor, "You should do this..." but it is another thing to say, "I would like to do this for you...". Perhaps you should offer to start and run the group? (But only after prayer and discernment that it is what God wants.) If you do this and the pastor still says no, then you'll have to brainstorm something else! But, yes, I do wish we were all closer to each other! I long to be able to see you (and the others around here) face to face instead of email to email!

Can you believe nobody has written me yet from Ave Maria Singles? I just updated my profile again...I need to just trust God on this and keep praying...please keep me in your prayers!!

As far as AMS goes, hang in there! I know how hard it is! Although I am married now I still keenly remember how hard it was to wait and be patient for my future husband! Personally, I would not wait for a guy to write you. (I didn't and look where it got me! haha!) Don't forget there are hundreds of other girls on there and it is quite normal for girls who "won't write first" to not receive any messages. (And some are very pretty, intelligent and faithful!) It's just the nature of the situation. There are so many people on there! Look through the guys profiles. See who has common interests and a strong faith. Don't worry so much about his pic. (Some guys take terrible photos and others that are "not so handsome" become extremely attractive to you once you get to know them. In the end you will fall in love with his "soul", not his face!

With that said, however, don't feel bad if you write a guy and he says he is not interested. Don't take it personally! And when you do begin corresponding just take it slow and really get to know the person. Don't get emotionally involved until you discern that it's what God desires. (That will save a lot of heart ache when friendships do not develop into something more!) In the end, whether online or in person, you'll find him! In the meantime, continue to develop your relationship with God, keep busy serving Him, and pray for your future husband, particularly entrusting your future marriage and children to Our Lady.

Okay I think I've stood on this soapbox long enough! I hope that helps. And do know that you (and all those looking for a holy spouse) are in my prayers. Don't worry. I'm the poster child for "Yes, it can happen to you!" In the end it will be worth the wait! Trust me!

Love and prayers to you, my friend.
Bobbi

I better get going though, my time is almost up. I only have 5 minutes left to bring you the Friday Five.

the friday five

1. How many times have you truly been in love?Only once to the man I married. The previous were infatuations - something I didn't realize until I tasted true love.

2. What was/is so great about the person you love(d) the most?That I know with all my heart that he is the one meant for me - an answer to many, many prayers. There was always a "hole" in my heart as I prayed for my future spouse but after meeting Brian it became a "whole". He is God-loving, spiritually strong, tenderhearted, funny and handsome to boot. What more could I want?

3. What qualities should a significant other have?I believe the most important quality is that he/she should be a prayerful man/woman of God who lives his/her faith each day. Right there you eliminate some major vices/problems. You should have some things in common and be best friends with them. Although you need some kind of "chemistry", looks are subjective and when you fall in love they become very attractive in your eyes.

4. Have you ever broken someone's heart?Um, I think I'd have to say yes. In my BC (before Christ) days, I drove one guy to the bottle and another became a crazed ex (complete with stalking and vandalizing my car.) Man, does that seem like a lifetime ago! Thank God for his mercy.

5. If there was one thing you could teach people about love, what would it be?That love does not equal emotion/feelings nor sex. Love is a decision and you can still love even when you don't "feel" it. Love should draw you closer to God and two people in love should be working together towards heaven and eternity with God. Love is also the cross, it takes sacrifice and self-giving to work, but the payoff is a "glorious resurrection" in that, mutual love is the closest happiness we will ever experience this side of heaven.